Traumatic Story of Love

Genuine Passion to Live

The kickstart to the summer of my highschool graduation, I met someone so special to me that I never would’ve thought I could meet in my entire life. She sparked a new side of me that I could never forget. I attained a new level of happiness, almost as if I just conquered the universe. I was deeply invested in her and wanted to know literally everything about her. Our first date when took place somewhere called The Mosaic, where we casually cruised along the different isles at Target. She liked to tease and make fun of me while I was viewing the different types of clothing scattered across the area. We stumbled upon a carebear shirt which had a rainbow on it—oh boy, let me tell you, she distinctively pointed at the rainbow, laughing hysterically, as she hinted that I were gay. I eased into her jokes and played along. We bought matching anime shirts to hold our memorable times of being deliquents at target. As time went on, I decided I wanted to pursue a serious relationship with her. The topic of college came up as I was committed to Virginia Tech. We started to ponder in our thoughts:

• Long distance wasn’t going to be easy.
• How close will we actually become?
• We are about three years apart.
• Will love really subside or grow?

I decided that I was willing to go to a local college in order for our relationship to work out and that I would also be able to save some college funds. She was ecstatic, crying that I would make such a decision. I made an insane sacrifice cause I knew from my end that she was the one I wanted to have a future with, so I didn’t want distance to sever our bond.

Break from Reality

I introduced her to my parents because I really wanted her to come over and STOP WASTING MY GAS!!!! Gas was not cheap at the time, and we would stay idle in the car to talk. My parents took an interest in her, which really relieved me. She was allowed to come over and spend as much time as she wanted with me. From 8 AM to 11 PM we would talk about absolutely nothing, indulging in each others’ presence. A few months go by where we went on our first roadtrip to Busch Gardens. I remember taking multiple photos of her while she was sleeping, having no idea of her surrondings. She must’ve been really tired, I thought to myself. That was our first time we spent a night together at a hotel. We ended up messing around a lot and learning more about each other. I was really happy with everything going on but realized that school was just around the corner for the both of us. Things started to get pretty rocky where she started to communicate less and less when school started back up. I have a natural anxious attachment style, so I was really bad at dealing with the miscommunication. I pleaded for her to give me more attention and explain what was going on, but dead silence for several hours.

Manipulation

I decided that this was getting way too much for me so I wanted to go on a break from the relationship for my own mental sanity. This was the start of a downward spiral towards my life, mentality, and other ordeals. My girlfriend told me that she wanted to kill herself—not explicitly telling me, but she posted about it on social media. I saw what she posted and I couldn’t help but feel really bad. I knew she cared about me so much still, so I told her to stop treating me badly as she promised she wouldn’t anymore. We started to hang out every single day again after school. Things were okay again, but it didn’t last very long. She started to repeat the miscommunication towards me which hurt me so much. I had no other choice cause at one point she left me in the dust without talking to me for four days. I decided to reach out to her best friend about how I can improve as a boyfriend and what I was doing wrong in order to not make the same mistake again. Her friend started to feed me answers on what to do while asking my girlfriend. I knew that this could potentially alter our relationship, but I was left stranded without any answers which destroyed me.

I knew one thing was absolute and it was my love for her. It was like training a puppy, she didn’t know her rights and wrongs. As time progressed, there was someone that messaged her on social media intending to start a relationship. When we went through the next hardship, she started entertaining the guy that tried talking to her while thinking it was okay. I was distraught, completely lost in thought. It took some time but she finally realized that it wasn’t good to entertain others while in a relationship. It took some time to heal but I eventually got there. Soon after, another SITUATION happened in descrete. I was alarmed by her best friend that some guy has been stroking her hair and touching her in ways that only a significant other should do. I went insane and entered a depressive episode because of this situation. I didn’t know how to handle it so I created a lie that would later destory this relationship. I hid the fact that I was in contact with her best friend, so I told my girlfriend that my sister told me another guy was touching her. I was hopeless and bitter with no sense of direction. I lashed out on her and wallowed in sadness where she tried her best to cheer me up. Again, it took some time to heal because I felt like she was physically cheating on me.

Depression

I was able to recover and she was too but things were ultimately taking a turn for the worse. She started to lash out on me, stopped caring much about me, and stopped being physically involved with me in anything. It got so bad to the point where I tried to cheer her up when she was stressed or feeling down, but she told me to go shut up or pushed me away. The day she pushed me away is when I decided to tell her everything about how I was in contact with her best friend and how we both thought she was immature. She was enraged and yelled so loud her mom was shocked. At that point I felt so confident that she would change, but no, she became a lot more worse. She completely bashed me while tarnishing my worth, called me all sorts of slurs, and hurt me so bad cause she decided to call it quits.

I ended up getting to the lowest point I have ever been where I decided to rely on suicide. I wrote my family and friends goodbye messages (as dramatic as it sounds I wanted to end my life). I decided to order an AR-15 and go out in an instant. As soon as my dad found out I heard the police at my door where I was then taken to a mental hospital for rehabilitation. I met a lot of great individuals through that experience which boosted my self esteem a bit. I ended up deciding to give her a call while I was hospitalized and made a grave mistake by telling her I loved her and constantly apologizing where she just continued to destroy my emotions. I never got an “are you okay” or “what happened” she was just too focused with herself and what happened. I felt as if this love just kept becoming more toxic. I decided that after my discharge I would no longer associate myself with her and carry on with my life as much as I loved her and would hurt. One week goes by and she is begging me to get back together. My weak self caved in because I wanted her to be the one for me no matter what happened. She was my everything, my purpose in life. So we got back together.

Cycles and Repetition

She became so sweet and caring. I noticed that she wanted to try harder and wanted me to comfort her more so I did without a problem. It made me happy that she was communicating more and I actually felt cared for. I missed the feeling of being cared for which I expressed multiple times to her. She was taking all of this into account and tried to better herself for me. It was a great month of May. Until the start of June where things started to repeat and she started to become really cold again. I was hurting and I asked her “I thought this wasn’t going to happen again,” which she completely ignored. I was left crying for some time and she stopped saying sorry and stopped caring in general. I tried to cope in other ways like taking a jog, studying, gaming, but nothing hurt more than remembering my significant other ignoring me. She told me how bad of a person I was and made it seem like I was a low life individual. There were definitely some good times, but she made my life a really miserable place. Even now, I still have nothing but love for her and wish she was the one I could have a future with. I tried my hardest to gain her trust back and was on track to. We ended up reconciling and planned our Cancun trip for mid July with my parents almost as if we were going on a double date. The highlight of our relationship was this trip and is something we both will not ever forget. I remember eating at the all-you-can-eat buffets and unlimited drinks that they provided. We took many photos and bonded closer together more than ever. We discussed topics like:

• Our marriage
• Never giving up no matter how hard the times are
• What we want from each other
• Going to the same college of choice

TLDR: We had a very memorable trip which made us really close and vulnerable

The End

We have been together for well over a year by this time. A month after the Cancun trip school started up back again and something really bad happened. She told me that she said “I almost trust you 100% again” was just to make me happy and feel better about myself. I was destroyed mentally. I told her in order for us to grow together that she needs to be able to get past this situation. It set her completely off. She called me a retard and all other names that shouldn’t be said on this blog. She took this as ‘I was rushing her’ which wasn’t my intention. All I wanted her to know is that I want us to grow together in a good way so that we could both with together. She said she was done with me completely and I decided in that moment of my life that I was done. I decided to call the cops on myself attempting something called “suicide by cop”. I told the dispatcher about the criminal description describing myself in an attempted home invasion. I called myself in. I came out with a knife and had at least eight guns drawn at me. My mother ran out pleading for me to stop this nonsense which made me drop the knife as I didn’t want her to get caught up in the cross-fire. I went to another hospital and pleaded her to not end things with me because I wanted her to know that I genuienly love her and didn’t want to let her go. She could never understand that and thought I was a sham. It honestly hurts to remember when I would be feeling my lowest and asked for a simple hug where she would just tell me to shut up and then get mad later cause I fell asleep. I can’t blame her as our age gap was pretty significant. All I want is to wish her the best and for her to realize that I really did love her and wanted my everything with her.

Depression is a serious thing and I want to encourage people going through this that it will get better overtime. Don't give up for your friends and family. Your significant other wouldn't want you to disappear from this world as well. I know from my side that I was a really good partner, where everyone told me this but I couldn't believe it until she told me herself that I was. She is moved on now, but I am taking my time. Take it day by day. I will never forget the memories we created and I will always cherish you no matter how badly your actions were towards me. I know you are looking for other guys potentially looking for a rebound, but while you are doing that, I am focusing on improving myself to become a better version of myself. I hope people reading this blog can realize that suicide is a very real thing. But it's always important to not give up as the brighter side of the spectrum is waiting for you.