Relapse

To tell you the truth, it has been really rough the past couple of days. I been crying for hours and grieving. Actually, if I am being honest, she was really sweet last month after our trip to Cancun. I didn’t think it would end up this way and it hurts to just suddenly end things. I believed in us and I believed that we can work through it all. I know she is doing fine probably. I had to delete instagram because I saw that she followed like over 50 guys and it’s honestly so gross cause I havent even been following anyone. In all honesty though, I shouldn’t be looking and I shouldnt care. I know my love for her was real and hers was fake if she is doing this. Thanks for making me move on faster and thank you for making me work harder to be the best version I can be. I’m saying this because I am hurt inside and outside as well. She meant so much to me and even do we don’t talk anymore she will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart for sure. I still think about her often and I talk about her a lot which probably isn’t good. I really miss her company and the way she would comfort me at times. I tend to look at the good side of her because that’s all I want to remember. I really hate how the relationship ended in such a bitter way when we were way better than that. I still believe in her and hope that she will one day realize in the future how I truly loved her. I only wanted her and didn’t want anyone else. I let her know this too, but she didn’t give me the comfort I needed recently and started treating me really bad. I really loved when she wouldn’t wear makeup cause I loved her for who she was and not how she looked. I don’t care if she was looking bad I really just loved her for her. She can be really sweet at times, but also really bitter. Something she really has to work on for sure. I also ended up telling her mom about something that she decided to do which would harm her health. She doesn’t have the best health so I was naturally worried for her. I don’t want her going down the wrong path, but she has chosen to do so. I guess I respect her autonomy and move on. She has moved on from me and I know she probably never wants to hear from me again. No matter how many times I apologize or make it up to her, it seems like nothing ever worked. I tried my hardest and gave it my all, something many guys won’t ever do because they end up leaving instead of putting up with all of that. I miss her so badly, but I know if I ever contact her, she’s just gonna break me and probably make fun of me/put me in a worse state of mind.

Denial

Even though I know I should be getting over her, I think it’s just going to be one of those situations that I won’t overcome. Like she still has a special place in my heart and that will not change. I just latch on way too many good memories about her that outweigh the bad ones. We had such a special bond that I will not forget and I think she won’t either. I can feel her hatred towards me and I tried everything in my power to alleviate that. I wanted her to be open about how she was feeling, how she was doing, and just everything really. I have to get over her though. She’s moved on and probably talking to so many different guys now. I shouldn’t care but it hurts to think about that our love really was nothing. I really wanted to stay in contact but I would have never healed. I wanted to do so much with her. I wanted to go on more trips and make some memorable times with her. I wanted to do it for her happiness and also because I love her so much. I wasn’t going to give up because my love for her was unconditional. Hers wasn’t though based on her actions. She obviously didn’t care that much about me anymore and stopped apologizing when she was in the wrong. That HURTS. I want to say so much to her right now cause I am really emotional at this current moment. I miss the her I once knew and the one I fell in love with. We clicked so fast and I really taught her so much as well as she taught me so much. I am so happy that I met her that day on the bus. I find it so hard to accept that things were good in August and then all of a sudden things just end in a heartbeat over something that wasn’t in my intention. I just wanted her to feel safe and okay with me. I needed her to unconditionally love me as well. It just didn’t work and it is clear that my love for her was way stronger based on her actions after the breakup. While she is flirting with other guys and trying to fill the void, I am improving myself and trying to be the best version possible. I don’t need a relationship right now. I want to do better for me and for me only. I wanted to grow with her, but if that’s not what she wanted, then it’s fine with me. Not really. But I accepted it. And I will say that this is her loss. Having such a dedicated person willing to grow with her and fight through all the battles is not easy to come by. And I can tell you for sure that she doesn’t feel REMOTELY ANY BAD ABOUT HER ACTIONS TOWARDS ME. All she can feel is hatred and trying to get a rebound relationship like I didn’t mean shit to her. I can admit that she was my everything and I am glad that I was able to meet a wonderful person like her despite the hard times.

Forever in my memories: