hurting
Currently 1:37 AM, I had the hardest time containing my emotions and finally was able to let go and cry to my hearts’ content. I’m just here to rant about how much I miss her, but need to understand that she was really TERRIBLE to me. There were definitely some good parts yes, but I can tell she did not have the same unconditional love that I had for her. She used and abused me pretty much. When I needed her to give me a hug or when I was feeling down, she was hardly ever there, but when it came to her, I was always there for her. I need someone to care for me like that. Someone to cherish my existence and to work with me through the hard times. Giving up is SO easy, and honestly anyone can walk away.. that’s why relationships in this generation are decently rare. The healthy and good relationships that focus on growing together. I have to keep reminding myself that I am worth it that I have to love myself and be away from her. Every fiber of my body is screaming to text her and beg for her back, but I will end up having a broken heart at the end. I will say that I miss her company and how nice she was before, even if they were just memories. I can tell she used to sincerely love me at some point. I have to accept the fact that she is not mine anymore and that she is open to starting a new relationship with someone else—PROBABLY is already in one. But hey, what can I do? I can choose to be crying and moping all day, but where is that going to get me? I want to be a better version of myself. It really helps me to dish out my thoughts like this. I constantly wonder to myself if she’s doing okay or what she is up to but I know it’s one-sided. I am glad I was able to meet her and show her what a true relationship is. I don’t regret any money I spent on her or any trips we partook in. I regret nothing. Great memories that I will forever keep, which I will always admit even if she never did.
Day
I did a good amount yesterday actually!! I have been eating good meals and have been hanging out with all my guy friends. They have been supporting me & lifting up my spirits when I feel really down. I bet they are really annoyed with me cause all I do is talk about how sad I am missing her and stuff LOL! I still try to make a positive impact in someone’s day even if I am not feeling it. I think that’s just how my brain was wired OR because I have so much childhood trauma that I feel like people need a bit of happiness in their lives. I also hit the gym today and have been exercising quite a bit. I am trying my best to not let my sadness get the best of me. I know people come visit my forums in anonymity from Reddit, GitHub, or wherever you are. I just wanted to let you know that whatever you are going through, it gets better over time. I don’t want to sound redundant or anything.. IT’S REALLY TRUE. Always rely on your support group and find ways to distract yourself. Losing a loved one is really hard, and you feel like the world has just turned on you, but love yourself (speaking to myself as well). This is going to be a journey but I want to create a better version of myself. Let’s keep at it!
Every moment I never want to miss [Love is in small things: Collection]